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BOYD Enterprises Rocked by Hostile Takeover!
04/07/2008 07:38 by Rhett.

Orgrimmar - April 7, 2008 - In a surprising move today, it was announced that BOYD was the target of a hostile takeover attempt. Gravedancer, the leader of the new ownership group, issued the following statement; "Lothgor has run this organization into the [CENSORED] ground. Under his leadership the good people of BOYD have suffered through needless wipe after needless wipe. Repair bills have skyrocketed, boss kill counts are down, and purple gear rots away on corpses, remaining unlooted due to his incompetence. As demonstrated last week, with proper guidance, BOYD is capable of much, much more. It is my hope that the second quarter of the upcoming raiding year will prove to be much more rewarding, thank you."

The new GM then unveiled to the assembled press members an exhaustive power point presentation displaying some of his goals for the upcoming quarter such as; the distribution of higher quality gear, the lowering of out of zone repair costs, and a promise as he put it, to "get more hot babes up in this guild".

We interviewed some current BOYD shareholders to get their opinions on this matter. One gentleman, Plaguefire, stated "These things aren't worthy of my attention, I've got better things to do now from atop my valiant steed. Midnight, did you hear that boy? That was the sound of loot being dropped somewhere, quick, away!" He then sped off in the direction of Deadwind Pass. One BOYD shareholder expressed some concern, Adiera told us "I admit to being a bit skeptical about Gravedancer, I mean really, we've all heard the stories about him. Having a daughter in BOYD, I'm not sure I'm all that happy about some of the new company wide policies he's looking to initiate such as his new 'Girls Raid Naked' program." To get another female perspective we asked Ellexis for her thoughts, "'Girls Raid Naked'? I am sooooo there! We should cut Grave some slack, this isn't exactly a hostile takeover, have you seen his DPS? Anything but hostile!" We also invited a Mr. Gunvor into the interview room, but he chose to just sit outside, looking in at us until the press conference was almost over.

Gravedancer's speech was met with a brief smattering of applause before the crowd dispersed for the complimentary Ice Cold Milk and Clefthoof Rib dinners. We attempted to reach former BOYD CEO, Lothgor, but we only got his voicemail indicating he felt nothing was wrong and that he would get back to us when his wife allowed him to talk.

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Weekend Sports Wrap-Up!
03/31/2008 10:50 by Rhett.

BOYD Sports Desk - March 31, 2008 - It was a wild couple of days for sports fans all around Azeroth this weekend as there was no shortage of events taking place. From Ashenvale to Zangarmarsh, sports fans had to be pleased with what they saw.

Friday night saw a much anticipated heavyweight championship rematch at the Karazhan Koliseum. In one corner was "The Exedar Executioner", Prince Malchezaar and in the opposite corner was "The Paladin Punching Bag", Gravedancer. Both fighters had trained hard all week for this and it showed at the opening bell as both warriors charged into combat. The blood elf took a bit of a beat down and was forced back into the ropes, but it didn't take long until the mage tables turned and Gravedancer had the upper hand. It was an epic back and forth struggle, complete with smack talking going on between the two. Malchezzar bellowed at the paladin, "How can you hope to withstand such overwhelming power? Surely you did not think you could win!" Gravedancer briefly poked his head out from behind his shield, replying with a fierce "Please, stop hurting me!"

With seconds left to go in the battle, it seemed as if Malchezaar would regain his title as he repeatedly pummeled the poor elf. In front of the cheering crowd of infernals and dead guildmates, Gravedancer rallied and struck the final blow, knocking out Malchezaar for good. The crowd erupted with applause and then fell quickly silent as Gravedancer, while celebrating his victory, suddenly dropped dead. Afterwards, the Prince let it be known he had a problem with the officiating in the fight, "We fell at the same time! Same time! Nobody won, especially that prissy little elf chick! They had no right to be able to come back and take my stuff! That dagger had been in my family for years! Those [CENSORED] skittles are going to pay for what they've done!" Next weeks' rematch is almost sold out already, so if you want to be there, make plans early!

The Azeroth Baseball League held it's annual Opening Day festivities over the weekend as well. Four games took place on Sunday, in front of packed stadiums all across Azeroth. Let's get right to the recaps.

Thunder Bluff Cowpies - 6, Exedar Fightin' Aliens - 2. - The homefield advantage of Spirit Rise Stadium certainly proved it's worth in this contest as the team from the Exedar had to play the last 4 innings a man down as their right fielder fell to his death while chasing a fly ball off the bat of Babe Bloodhoof.

Stormwind Fluffy Kittens - 9, Orgrimmar Warchiefs - 5. - The Warchiefs went on the road to Elwynn Field and opened up a 4-1 lead after 3 innings, but the Kittens stormed back and took the lead after the Orgrimmar manager, Thrall, was ejected for arguing balls and strikes. "Seriously, Leotheras could have called a better game, and he's blind!", Thrall yelled as he was escorted out.

Ironforge Giants - 3, Silvermoon Postmasters - 0. - The crowd at Sunfury Park went home unhappy after seeing their team shutout by Ironforge. Asked about the horrible offensive showing by his team, Silvermoon manager Bucky Earyanker simply said, "Our team was exhausted. Do you have any idea how much work it is to empty out all these freakin' mailboxes in this city before each home game? Sheesh." The Giants have asked us to remind our readers that they offer free booster seats at every home game and 7th inning Sausage Finger races as well.

Undercity Warlocks - 17, Shattrath City Lag - 1. - The expansion Lag played their first game ever at Scryer Field at Aldor Yards and were absolutely crushed by perennial champion, Undercity. Some have questioned Undercity's dominance over the recent years, to which Undercity team owner, Gorj Spinebender replied, "People claim the Warlocks are overpowered, that we're too good. Hey, it's not my fault I have the money to field the best class of players. Other teams don't like it, they can shut up and reroll." It should be noted that a new ABL record was set as it took 14 hours, 29 minutes to complete this 9 inning game.

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Small Community Rocked By Triple Homicide
03/25/2008 09:36 by Rhett.

Karazhan, Deadwind Pass - March 24th, 2008 - Residents of the little town of Karazhan are struggling this morning to put the pieces back together after the murder last night of one of its most prominent citizens, Prince Malchezaar. Malchezaar had received death threats all week, but apparently did not alert local authorities. He did hire a personal bodyguard, named Nightbane, but he also was found dead last night leaving this town wondering what exactly happened.


. . . . . . . . . . .Malchezaar 2007-2008

The Karazhan Police have little to go on at this point, though they have released a portion of a 911 call received from someone identified only as a "Mr. Wolf". In it, the sounds of a struggle can be heard in the background as the caller implores the victim to run away. There are sketchy reports as well of another eye witness, Mr. Moroes. He claims that while throwing a dinner party he noticed a group of people who he described as looking like "big yellow Skittles" acting suspiciously in the area.

In the wake of such a violent crime spree, we here at BOYD news tried to get some reactions from a obviously very distraught community. One resident, Aran, simply threw his arms up and said, "I want this nightmare to be over!" Another local, Maiden of Virtue, issued a stern warning that "This behavior will NOT be tolerated!"

A spokes person for Karazhan Neighborhood Watch, Archmage Altreus, expressed regret that things had come to this. Though he did note that maybe Malchezaar's death will "put an end to the loud partying and infernal racket". When asked about the murder of one Terestian Illhoof, Altreus said, "Who? Oh, is he the crazy Imp guy that still lived in the basement? Yeah, nobody liked him anyway."

To try to learn more about this unprovoked murder, we did place an overseas call to Malchezaar's boss, Illidan Stormrage, who answered simply, "He is dead? You want a statement? I'm sorry....I am not prepared."

Karazhan Police have asked that if you know the whereabouts of these "big murderous yellow skittles", you contact law enforcement immediately.

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Hordeland Security Opens Investigation Into Raid Sabotage
03/17/2008 11:08 by Rhett.

Thrall's Chamber - March 17th, 2008 - Today a spokesperson from the Department of Hordeland Security issued a press release revealing the departments intention to thoroughly investigate a case of raid sabotage which was reported this weekend.

According to leaked information, the alleged sabotage took place in the Karazhan raid zone. A crack team of Horde commandos had located and engaged a terrorist leader known only as "Shade of Aran". [Editor's Note: Aran is currently the Ace of Storms in your terrorist playing card deck.] After some minutes of a heated exchange, things looked to be going the Horde's way when suddenly "Aran" unleashed some circular incendiary devices towards the Horde special forces. It is during this time that the sabotage took place. Details are sketchy, but it seems that a possible Alliance agent, secretly disguised a Horde hunter put her dastardly plan into action as she quickly ran through the battlezone, killing most of the Horde team.

When pressed for more details, the raid leader, Lothgor, was unable to recollect what exactly happened. In his words, he was "still alt-tabbed, trying to find out how to master loot a purple item." We are unsure what this means, but it can't be good.

Hordeland Security has released a description of the possible Horde traitor.

If you see a female blood elf hunter and her black cat, marked with a giant blue square over her head, she is to be considered armed, but not dangerous as she is known for her inferior ammunition. If located, please call her mother immediately, thank you.

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Blizzard Stock Value Plummets!
03/11/2008 09:50 by BOYD.

Blizzard HQ - March 10, 2008 - Employees of the popular computer game "World of Warcraft" reported today that stock prices were expected to fall sharply during the first quarter of the current year. This was a surprising announcement to investors as Blizzard had been showing steady growth up until this point. When asked to speculate on what could cause this sudden drop Blizzard Chief Financial Officer, Richard U. Pennybags, told us "We had a massive critical hardware failure recently, which unfortunately has skyrocketed our maintenance and upkeep costs for the quarter. Things are looking pretty bad, our lead developers and server engineers may have to cut their vacations short by 3, maybe even 4 months to take care of this emergency."

Pressed for details about what could cause such a catastrophic hardware failure, Pennybags revealed some interesting information. "It seems that sometime in the last few days, some of our players on the server known as 'Runetotem' created yet another Horde-side mid tier raiding guild. Apparently the server could not handle so many of this type of guild at one time, so it collapsed under the stress."

Pennybags did offer up some good news though for gamers of this unfortunate server. "To free up room for this new guild, we did purge from the database the remnants of dormant guilds such as 'Tormented Dreams' and 'Grief'. We attempted to delete a guild deemed as inappropriate, one about yummy cute girls. Unfortunately when we tried this, we received threatening phone calls from a gentleman in Wisconsin who seemed to be genuinely weeping on the phone. Out of pity, this guild was allowed to stay."

Can the lowly, progressionally challenged Runetotem server handle so many Horde side guilds? Which will blow up first, the server or the new guild? Why is Plaguefire not wearing pants? Check back for further updates to these important questions as they are available.

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