BOYD Rocked by Possible Scandal!
June 19, 2009 - We here at the BOYD News Desk have received some truly startling information. It seems that late last evening, chaos erupted on the set of The Lothgor Channel's (TLC) hit raiding show, "Zeryn and Mater Plus 23". Inside sources tell us that evidence came to light revealing what could be a shocking secret romance between the two stars. According to people behind the scenes a local warlock was erroneously sent a message from Mr. Notomato that had been originally intended for Zeryn. Of course one message doesn't tell the whole story, but in this case it does begin to paint a very clear picture. BOYD News consulted with famed prosecuting attorney, Mason Perry and asked for his opinion on the matter and what he thought this supposed evidence proved or did not prove.
"I have studied all the background information I have concerning Zeryn and Notomato, I have also closely examined the evidence produced today by BOYD sources, and I am afraid I must objectively conclude that there is indeed something to these allegations," Pason said. First things first though, let us show you, our readers this increasingly damning photographic evidence of the alleged misconduct.
Mr. Pason continued, "As you can see here, there is little conclusion one can draw other than the obvious. Consider some of the terminology Notomato uses, 'I'm touching it right now', 'it's really hot', and 'I need to call' While the two parties involved admit the exchange pictured above was meant for them, they continue to deny everything else, but all we need to do is look at a preponderance of evidence. For example, how much do people really know about this Zeryn? Sure, her application portrays her as the sweet, grandmotherly pie maven we all at first believed her to be. But just last evening there is evidence she used an expletive in front of her whole guild! Surely nobody saw that coming and we must assume that there is more we don't know about her. Zeryn plays a paladin, paladins wear the strongest armor in the game, she can heal herself, but yet she dies early during long boss fights fairly often. Why? Clearly because that gives her more time to send messages to Notomato during the encounter! 'Zeryn's Down!' Yeah, down for what exactly, hmmm? I'll tell you what she's down for, down for a little slice of Tomato, that's what. Notomato's wife is due to deliver a child any day now, meaning she has been pregnant for nine months, Zeryn joined BOYD less than nine months ago and made it clear to people who were expecting children, such as Mr. Notomato, that she would be happy to send them a new quilt. Is this just another kind hearted grandmotherly gesture, or is it in fact a devious ploy to gain access to Notomato's real life address, to be used later in a sad stalking event which will only end in the filing of restraining orders?"
Pason then laid out for us the circumstantial evidence concerning Notomato. "Take a look at this guy's picture for starters, he just flat out looks creepy. He appears to be happily married, but do we know this for sure? Have we ever heard his wife speak? Have we ever heard Mr. Zeryn speak? No, we have not! It's no secret that this gentleman, and I use the term loosely, is known for random statements on ventrilo of "I can feel it!" Is it really as he claims just a motivational device during raiding, or is it secretly some code sent to Zeryn? Also let us not forget that hunters have their own private discussions about guild and raid matters, and one such guild hunter, Mr. Grindurbonze, recently renamed his pet to 'Homewrecker'. That is a fact, ladies and gentleman. Now, is that pure coincidence, or was it foreshadowing due to his knowledge of secret raiding rendezvous taking place involving a fellow hunter? And don't even get me started on this guy's mount fetish!"
We sent our roving reporter out to attempt to gather some reactions to these events from the BOYD crew, we managed to get a few comments on record.
"Zeryn is such a nice lady!", stated guild tank Bulltanks before passing out in a drunken stupor. Another druid, Thadurm, added "She is nice, but I wonder how many attempts on bosses this whole issue cost us last night." A former guildie, Mr. Moode called us saying that hearing about these events made his heart hurt. An effort was made to interview one of Notomato's fellow hunters, Mr. B. Eyotec, but unfortunately our reporter was two minutes late to the interview and his comments are unfit for print. BOYD GM Lothgor was also asked for his thoughts on all of this, but word has reached us that he was running naked through a Texas shopping mall, covered in maple syrup and waving a gun, all the time adamantly denying the sexual misconduct charges being made against him by the law enforcement officers in pursuit. More on this breaking news story as we get it.
Admittedly, the news department here at BOYD was skeptical of anything going on with these two, but we are forced to admit that Mr. Pason does make a fairly convincing argument. So, we will leave it to you, our somewhat loyal readers to decide, who is the real Zeryn? Cast your vote at:
BOYD: During the first 100 days of the end of the world.
May 11, 2009 - As most BOYD News readers know, it is customary to look back after 100 days of a new leader and take stock of what he, or she, has accomplished in that time. As most of you know as well, BOYD has not undergone a leadership change recently. However, this article was started quite some time ago but was delayed somewhat while this reporter tried to track down current BOYD GM, Lothgor, for some quotes for this piece.
While doing research for this article, I must admit that I was fairly surprised at just how much this guild has accomplished in a relatively short amount of time. Looking back over the last few months of raids, the amount of progression is impressive. Not only is all pre-Ulduar content on farm status, but BOYD has made quite a bit of headway into Ulduar itself, in both 10 and 25 man versions. Just today I caught up with Lothgor while he was fishing in Grizzly Hills, he was kind enough to give me a few minutes of his time and answer a few questions.
BOYD News: "Lothgor, can the guild claim to have Flame Leviathan, Razorscale and Ignis all downed?
Lothgor: "Yes we can."
BN: "Are you able to provide screenshots of XT-002, Kologarn and Auriya being killed as well?"
Lothgor: "Yes we can."
BN: "Can you prove to Runetotem that BOYD has cleared the new VoA boss?"
Lothgor: "Yes we can."
BN: "The achievement for killing the Iron Council, can you show us a guild member who has completed it?"
Lothgor: "Yes we can."
BN: "Can your guild truthfully claim to have downed Sartharion, with 3 drakes up?"
Lothgor: "I'm glad you brought that up. This seems as good a day as any to publicly release my latest guild directive - Executive Order 611 - which reads as follows: 'In the matter of BOYD vs. Sartharion and his three drake allies, code named Operation: Holy Grail, it is the determination of current BOYD commander in chief, Lothgor D. Mage, that any three previous encounters resulting in a successful achievement of stated combat goals against Sartharion and one drake, be cummulatively added, thereby pursuant to the stated objective of Executive Orders 608, 609 and 610 referencing the above mentioned parties.
Thereby, let it be known that heretofore, BOYD has successfully achieved and completed all known military objectives in the Obsidian Sanctum region.' I would like to ask that BOYD members not display their Twilight Vanquisher titles, as it just wouldn't be polite to rub our success in the noses of other guilds. So to answer your original question, yes we can."
Such progression is only one of many matters that the guild has turned its attention to recently. Not long ago Lothgor did promise to do what he could to close down the Goblin torture center at Booty Bay. This announcement was quickly followed up by a server wide pledge to remove all combat guildies from Naxx by 2010, though a provision was left in to station a small, 10 man ALT force there if conditions warrant.
One of the biggest accomplishments the first 100 days was the design and implementation of the BOYD Raiding Recovery & Repair Reinvestment Act. New guild officer Dubu commented on the success of this initiative saying, "It's no secret that we had a little problem before having people sign up for raids. But now, in the chilly raiding environment of snowy Northrend, BRRRR is just the thing we needed, we have more sigh ups then we know what to do with! Not only has BRRRR seemingly stopped the loss of raiders to overseas guilds, but we also have saved or created 10-15 raider initiate jobs and the guild unraiding rate has dropped to 3.4% due to the increased sign ups."
Dubu then shivered and sighed dramatically.
One last debate going on in BOYD is the proposed reallocation of DKP. As one guildie, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "Why should all the unemployed, basement dwelling, Cheeto eating mouth breathers get rewarded more richly than those of us who married controlling, watchful harpies dedicated to sucking the last bit of fun and enjoyment out of our lives? It just isn't fair."
A word of caution here, not everything has gone so well for BOYD. Scandal has reared its ugly head as a handful of guild members were found abusing orphans recently, subjecting them to the horrors of battleground combat and then abandoning them. Even more serious are the allegations of a yet unidentified 14 year old murloc who despite Lothgor's oft-repeated denials, claims the GM in fact WAS raping.
All things considered, it seems one can only conclude that BOYD is off to a typical start here in the early times of the end of the world, we will check back on them down the road and see if the momentum they have built carried them through the next 100 days.
In the meantime, I would ask you to check this space next week as BOYD News debuts two new columns. The first of which being an in-depth and provocative look at forum and battleground etiquette entitled "GRINDURTOMATOES" The second column being an analysis and discussion of current in game healing mechanics and out of game pie recipes called "ZERYN'S DOWN!".
BOYD Monthly News Round-Up!
US Navy Successfully Recreates Previous Epic Failure
March 31, 2009 - Back in 1943, the United States Navy funneled money into a top secret research project, a project that culminated in an event know today simply as "The Philadelphia Experiment". In it, the Navy escort USS Eldridge was seemingly teleported from one location instantly to another location some 215 miles away. Unfortunately, this event produced some extremely unfortunate side effects for the crew of the Edlridge. Some complained of extreme nausea, some became "lost in time", never to be seen again. There are even reports of some crew members being fused directly into the bulkheads. Why is this important to you, our faithful BOYD News reader?
It appears that the US Navy has again, almost 70 years later, continued its research into teleportation. This time, hitting the virtual world. We have received eyewitness reports from all over the server that the crew of the USS Runetotem, may have been the unfortunate victims of yet another naval experiment gone awry. The Runetotem crew was here in the guild <Bring Out Your Dead> one minute and then, without warning, they simply vanished. Reports are that they have been sighter some 215 servers away, and again, some crew members have been subjected to rather unfortunate side effects. One crewmember, Joe, has actually become so sick he passed it on to his family. Two ship chaplains have become so disoriented they can no longer recollect even being on the Runetotem when asked about it. Finally, a crewmember known only as "Cheezie" was actually seen having his head fused into his own anus. Tragic, really.
Though these events may be dismissed in the "real world" as myth, some people do believe they really occurred. One such real life person is a man known for his take on another ship tragedy, the singer of "The Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald", Gordon Lightfoot. He caught up with us here at BOYD to debut his new lyrics for that tune, appropriately called "The Fail of the USS Runetotem."
Their legend lives on, from Thrallmar on down
Of the raiders we called the Navy Crew
These guys it is said, never could get drakes dead,
on raid night, we had to carry them through
Freeloading they were, since their gear was so poor
Spell rotation ideas were foreign
With tons of DKP spent, they came and they went
Off to screw some guild called "Semper Fortis"
The paladin said he was skilled, bragged of noobs that he'd killed
He would always five cap in the basin
It was too bad for us, that he couldn't just
keep bosses from bashing his face in
Their tanker friend Joe, was the last to go
his girl's cancer made him quit WoW forever
I guess chemo failed, as he proceeded to bail
and look for the cure on a new server
Cheezie's special friend, was looking to spend
some nights looking for guildies to heal
But he was full of BS, just like the rest,
he was just looking for some loot to steal
The DK they had, he wasn't so bad
When he was sober enough he could see straight
but those times were few, and his guildies all grew
tired of him death gripping the bosses during raids
Tessila seemed a fine chap, but he was so full of crap
even in shadowform his eyes were still brown
he talked of our need, to let him be a raid lead
but we don't hold raids led by a clown
They left us with their fail, then proceeded to bail
we all knew they wouldn't stick around
With the Navy filled with these guys, it is no surprise,
That they run their own ships aground.
Lothgor Recognized by Runetotem as Worst Motivational Speaker Ever
March 31, 2009 - You have all heard speeches given by great men, speeches that make the heart swell with pride, speeches that make you feel like you can do anything, speeches that you KNOW make you a better person just by having been there to hear them.
Like John Kennedy addressing the American people saying, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." Patriotism swelled throughout the country.
General Patton addressing his troops before battle, encouraging them with a famous speech ending with, "All right now, you know how I feel and I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle anytime, anywhere. That's all." We know how that war ended.
Herb Brooks, coach of the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team, instead of talking over strategy with his team before the gold medal game simply lined his team up, looked them in the eyes, and said "If you lose this game, you will take it to your graves. To your *bleeping* graves." Then walked away, knowing his team would bring home gold.
Now, we have one more speech to add to that collection. Last night, with <Bring Out Your Dead> finishing up another raid in Obsidian Sanctum, guild GM Lothgor found his way into the correct ventrilo room and addressed his crew of brave raiders mere minutes before raid time ended. Urging them on to victory with such awe inspiring sentiments as, "Yeah, someone I know had a heart monitor installed, and it was because of the game, and so if you stress out over the game that much just relax, it's only a game. And well, I'll just end it there and leave it at that. But seriously it's just a game, don't get worked up over it, if your health is bad because of uh, a game, then uh, maybe you should quit, or yeah, you know. Okay, pull."
Let that sink in for a while.
Guild members were stuck in silent awe after this resounding call to arms, absorbing all the motivation and inspiration they could from what they had heard. Unfortunately, the speech proved to be above the undertanding
of these 24 mere mortals as nobody really understood what had just happened. Even new guild member and professional motivational speaker, Mistoffolees gave his candid opinion, "That was very inspirational all really,
it was quite depressing actually." Guild optimist Bulltanks even struggled to find the silver lining, settling for just a "Thanks Lothgor" before beginning the final battle. Fellow officer Rhett said he actually thought he was getting
ventrilo lag from last Thursday night.
<BOYD> will be returning to the Obsidian Sanctum later this week, looking to finally secure the ultimate victory. Will Lothgor find a new speech writer between now and then? Or will we all again be treated to a head scratching oratory trip to nowhere? Check back for updates.
Russian Mafia Suspected in Disappearance of Local Shaman
March 31, 2009 - We have received breaking news tonight that a former <Bring Out Your Dead> guild member has indeed been taken by members of the Russian mafia. While the real identity of the suspect has not been released, we have learned that local law enforcement has codenamed the suspected mafia member, "Nachobeef." BOYD officials recently approached the local server authorities after receiving numerous messages from this "Nachobeef". These messages were mostly incoherent, but could in somce circles be viewed as threatening, or at least, pathetic. In these messages "Nachobeef" informs BOYD that he has their former shaman, Mudack. Unsure if this was a threat or not, guild representatives presented their findings to law enforcement. Here at BOYD News we have received an advance copy of the transcript of ths interview between the officers of BOYD and the officers of the law.
BOYD: "Yes, we have information that a former guild mate has been taken by the evil Russian, "Nachobeef". The arch enemy of "Spelling" and "Grammar".
BOYD: "We believe they may have formed the 'Emo shaman healers who couldn't hack it as warlocks' club."
LAW: "What is this guild mates name?"
BOYD: "Er wait, no, Bigandnasty. Sorry."
BOYD: "Sorry again, it's Mudack. Hard to keep track."
LAW: "Are you sure?"
BOYD: "Yes, he's a healer."
LAW: "Ah, that narrows it dow...."
BOYD: "Wait, he was a healer, he wants to DPS now."
LAW: "So, he's a DPSer?"
BOYD: "For now, unless he is on Bigandnasty, then he wants to be a tank, unless you let him DPS."
LAW: "So which one is he again?"
BOYD: "Not sure, what day is it?"
BOYD: "Ah, then yeah, he's a DPSing healer."
BOYD: "Wait, he said he was just joking about DPS."
BOYD: "So, yeah, he's a healer, unless people need healing, then he wants to not heal."
LAW: "Has anyone had contact with him? Besides this 'Nachobeef'"?
BOYD: "He has a friend in the guild."
BOYD: "He does? I thought Moode left."
BOYD: "No, he changed his mind, remember, he posted on the forums saying he would not leave."
BOYD: "Oh yeah, he did say that."
LAW: "So this Moode character is in the guild?"
BOYD: "Not exactly. No."
LAW: "Can I speak to him?"
BOYD: "Well he said he'd come back and leave a message, so no, you can't."
BOYD: "Well, he did ask for some of his alts to stay, so maybe."
LAW: "Can I or can I not speak to him?"
BOYD: "He was our enchance shaman, maybe you can catch him on his death knight or shadow priest."
LAW: "Yeah, we'll do what we can, thanks."