Breaking News: Alliance Leaders Have Been Vanquished!!!
Dalaran, Crystalsong Forest: Reports are rolling in to this reporter that a crippling blow has been dealt to the Alliance. A small rag-tag group of raiders that can't dodge fire walls or void zones have some how managed to best the leaders of the Alliance. Security cameras in the Exodar managed to snap a still of the murderers as the Prophet Velen met his demise.
As of yet there has been no official word from the Valley of Wisdom but there have been rumors that Thrall himself congratulated the "heroes" in writing and even gave them mounts!? What kind of effect will this have on the already unstable economy? Only time will tell.
Special Edition: Azeroth's Most Wanted!
Dalaran, January 12, 2009 - It is with a certain degree of sadness and fear that I bring you this first BOYD News report of the new year. Earlier today in the Dalaran City Square, the Azeroth Special Forces Crime Fighting Unit known as Stonetalon Yard held a press conference announcing the newest addition to the Azerothian "Top 10 Most Wanted" list. Making the announcement was Stonetalon Yard's most higly decorated and respected investigator, Detective Surelag Holmes. A transcript of the event follows:
"Good afternoon fellow citizens of Runetotem, though I stand here in Dalaran, the message I have for you today is not just for those in Northrend. It is for all Runetotemers, yes even you level 2 bank alts in Orgimmar and you 500 Death Knights scattered through the Outlands. I beg you, stop Death Gripping everything in sight and pay attention, for the safety of us all is at stake. We at Stonetalon Yard have received literally thousands upon thousands of reports of good, upright, honest people being constantly solicited by a member of Azeroth's elite. Reports flood in of these people being offered money in return for polishing a helm, or thrusting a spear, or even blowing a horn. Don't be fooled good people, we know what this kind of street lingo really means, and know we're out to stop it. Some of you out there may consider the solicitation and receiving of some of these services to be a victimless crime. I beg to differ. When a little Tauren cub goes hungry because his mother is too busy blowing Hodir's Horn, it is no longer victimless. When a young, defenseless undead has no place to sleep at night because mommy and daddy are too preoccupied with thrusting Hodir's spear to provide for him, it's no longer victimless. When a Blood Elf child wonders why mommy doesn't love him anymore as she spends all night dancing naked on the Orgrimmar mail box, it's no longer victimless.
Anyway, we know the leader of this solicitation ring, the man behind all the indecency corrupting our server is a man named Hodir. After speaking with witnesses and interrogating his family, we have had our sketch artist prepare this composite for all of you. If you see him, please contact the authorities immediately. Thank you.
After hearing this remarkable allegations made against Hodir and his family, we went straight to Blizzard HQ and asked to speak with their Director of Public Relations, Mr. Stanley Goodbottom. He was kind enough to grant us a few minutes of his time and we got right to the point, asking him directly how he feels that one of Northrend's leading citizens could seemingly have turned to a life of crime.
"It shocks me to be honest," he replied. "Hodir is a key component of the entire Lich King story line, and to lose him like this is a little bit puzzling to say the least. We were relying on Hodir's daily quests to be a pretty good time sink for the player base, but now if he is forced to go into hiding, I'm not sure what some players will do. I can only hope this is a big misunderstanding somehow. To be fair, I'm not involved in a lot of the development that goes on here, but I do know that in order to get the expansion released on time we did hire a few extra programmers straight out of high school. I believe they were charged with the creation and implementation of the Hodir dailies. At this time I just have to believe that these charges are false, and the helm polishing, spear thrusting and horn blowing is all completely innocent."
"Thank you for your answer, but to follow up, did you at Blizzard have any future plans for Hodir and Sons in this expansion? Or was his part over with these daily quests?"
Goodbottom answered, "Well just as when we introduced the Island daily quest hub, we had planned to add more dailies as time went by. In fact just over here I was reviewing the second phase of the Hodir dailies which are on the internal test realm now. We had another three scheduled to launch in patch 3.1."
At this point, he led us to large conference room and set us down at a gaming station. Here he fired up the internal beat server for us and asked us to examine the new dailies and then judge for ourselves what kind of people Hodir and his sons truly are. Here are the 3 new dailies we saw:
Lorekeeper Randvir says, "It is good to see you warlock! Your efforts to aid us are very much appreciated and I hesitate to ask even more of you now, but it falls on me to do so. Hodir was once a mighty warrior, his strength surpassed only by his pride. But now warlock, Hodir's failure leaves him reluctant to again take up his battle gear and defend his people. We need you to travel west to Frostgrip's Hollow. There, retrieve 4 trophies of battle from Hodir's past victories. Bring them here to me so they may be displayed and help remind him of his glorious past.
Will you [A]ccept or [D]ecline [Stroking Hodir's Ego!] ?
King Jokkum approaches you, "Greetings %name!, we are truly fortunate to have you among us once again. Hodir seems to be stirring which is good, we are hopeful he will soon be coming here to join us in our struggle. Should he do so, he must be at full strength to be able to endure what is to come. In days of old, young %class, Hodir dwelled in the Temple of Winter, to the northwest. There upon the altar to the gods Hodir placed his two sacred artifacts, the Orb of Power, and the Orb of Wisdom. In his absence, Lokken's minions have invaded the temple and defiled the sacred orbs! Take this [Stoneworking Tool]. Travel to the Temple and use your tool. You must remove the blasphemous inscriptions they have carved upon the orbs, then Hodir will finally be ready for battle.
Will you [A]ccept or [D]ecline [Cleansing Hodir's Balls!] ?
Njormeld beckons you over to him. Do you hear the thundering to the west? Hodir returns! Everything you have done to this point has aided us greatly %name! Hodir has had much of his battlegear and supplies restored. Like any warrior, Hodir must carry many supplies and many pieces of armor with him as he goes out to meet the enemy. Therefore, we should fetch for him a pack mule for his coming adventures. North in the Snowdrift Plains roam a pack of beasts of burden. Go there and find this herd, from it, select the strongest, fastest and sturdiest of them, throw this saddle upon it and use this [Riding Crop] to ride it back to us so that Hodir may make use of it.
Will you [A]ccept or [D]ecline [Whipping Hodir's Ass!] ?
After completing these we did momentarily see a 4th quest open up, we didn't get a chance to read all of it before being whisked away out of the office but we do know you were tasked with tenderizing some shoveltusk steak for Hodir's great feast. Regretfully, we did not catch the name of that quest.
After our own investigation we here at BOYD news conclude that all evidence points to Hodir being guilty of perhaps some extreme innuendo, but nothing more. However, if you see the man pictured above and feel threatened, please call Surelag Holmes at Stonetalon yard immediately.
Post Expansion News Wrap-Up!
Hundreds die as Paladin searches for heal button. - Reports are coming in from all across the Runetotem server describing an alarming rise in player casualties recently. Five man dungeons, heroic runs, even supposedly easy ten man raids have all seen a dramatic rise in the number of wipes. For an insight into this disturbing trend we went to New Agamand and spoke to respected doctor and wipe analyst, Dr. C.A. Daver.
We asked Dr. Daver for his opinion on the matter. He explained to us, "Well, as you can see by this meticulously prepared chart I have carefully constructed as a visual aid, there does seem to be a very specific event serving as the catalyst for this traumatizing rise in fatalities. As the chart clearly extrapolates, this upturn in what I like to label as "Adventuring Inefficiency" has no end in sight. It's as if a thousand nerds suddenly cried out as one "WTF HEALZ!" and then were suddenly silenced." We asked Daver if he could sum up his conclusions for some of our readers, to which he replied "Yes I can. Gravedancer doesn't know what the hell he is doing. Please come back next week, I am almost finished with my "Grimtaash's 'Cuddles to Loot' ratio table".
We went in search of Gravedancer to find his explanation for these findings. When he finally returned from being AFK he admitted that he may share at least some repsonsibility. "Look, as a paladin I have 3 hotbars already accounted for. 1 for bubbles. 1 for hearthstones, and another one for all my 'flirt' emotes. Finding extra space for these other buttons is hard. And then people expect me in groups to be able to heal instantly. Please, I have a social life in game, I'll heal them if I can, but no promises." With that, we thanked him for his time as he dashed away from the spirit healer back to the Halls of Lightning.
We at BOYD news will keep a close eye on this situation and provide updates as the situation warrants.
UPDATE: Gravedancer's party wiped again.
BOYD Seeks Bailout Plan For Repair Bills - Today BOYD guild master Lothgor began his long trek from Dalaran to Orgrimmar aboard his slow, 60% speed increase raptor, deciding against arriving there on his epic flyer. He released a statement saying why this journey was necessary, "These are hard financial times on us all, Horde and Alliance, raiders and non raiders. With the huge markup these days for enchanting mats, crafting mats and consumables, big raiding guilds such as ours are attempting to stay afloat, but learning new encounters and all, it's just not feasible. Therefore, I must go and seek an audience with Thrall and petition him for a 20,000 gold bailout plan for BOYD to cover future repair bills. Failure to secure such a bailout package will have a severe effect on Horde side raiding, an effect this server clearly cannot withstand at this time."
Some of Lothgor's fellow guildmates offered us their thoughts on this economic crisis. One guild tanks, Bulltanks confessed "In order to lower my repair costs I have actually begin raiding wearing no armor at all. That way, when we wipe, it's relatively cheap, and I can afford bringing my bare bear ass to raids." A second guild tank, Ressurect, said he simply cannot afford repairs as he spent all his gold on night elf hookers and booze. Guild hunter Shenlu is really pinching copper right now, which is actually hurting his DPS, he responded, "Hey, I know my DPS may go down, but it takes time to shoot an arrow, then go run after it, pull it out of the mob, run back to my group, fire it again, chase it again....if the economy were better, maybe I could afford more than one arrow. Hey, it's even worse when Vaevictis is around, he and I share the arrow then!"
Will Lothgor's petition to the Horde government be successful? Watch for future updates!
UPDATE: Lothgor met with Thrall, upon seeing Lothgor exactly exists, Thrall passed out. We are awaiting word on his condition.
Nine Runetotem Players Missing, Presumed Dead - Local server authorities have alerted us here at BOYD news that they have received sporadic reports of missing players. So far, it seems that nine former Runetotemers can no longer be accounted for. We here at BOYD news have received some leaked information, revealing what some acquaintances of the missing have told authorities. "He was on vent with us, and as one of the few people who didn't have him on mute, I could hear him bitching about everyone else. Suddenly, he had to go AFK, I remember this because I couldn't recall a time when he wasn't playing the game, then we heard what sounded like a door opening, followed by frantic screaming. He was shouting things like, "OMG the moon, it's on fire! It burns, IT BURNS! HELP!" He hasn't logged back on our vent since. We asked his friend what happened to him, but they had disappeared too at the same time, in the same way, doing the same thing. That was never unusual except for that day." Yet another witness describes one of the missing players as being usually levelheaded, but suddenly babbling incoherently about the guild bank, bitching and moaning about it, and about everything else...then suddenly, he was gone as well.
Authorities have begin a wide search, sending search parties out to all corners of Azeroth. Manhunts are under way in The Barrens, Tanaris, The Plaguelands, Terrokar Forest, Netherstorm, Howling Fjord, Icecrown, and many, many others. Hordeland Security spokesperson, Chief Emohoof had this to say at his press conference, "Maybe we'll find them, maybe not. I'm actually just here for the paycheck. But uh, yeah, we have people out in every zone searching for these folks, well, almost every zone." When pressed for an answer as to what zones are not beig searched, Emohoof said "Well, we aren't looking in non 80 heroic dungeons, as it is doubtful they would stoop to such a thing, and we can't waste the manpower. Also, we are not searching the Blood Elf starter zones. Those zones are way too bright, airy, and sunny, they'd never survive....if they went to a place such as Eversong, or Ghostlands, that's their problem.
Will the missing players ever be found? Keep checking back for furthur updates!
UPDATE: Nope. After 2 minutes of searching, authorities having given up and gone back to their normal lives.
Are you Smarter than a BOYD Raider?
As we all know, the expansion is just a few days away now. In celebration of the fact that we actually made it to the expansion and the guild didn't fold like a cheap tent 3 weeks after it was formed, we're having a trivia contest. Questions will cover things like guild history, guild members, memorable guild events, etc. Some answers will be able to found on the website, some in game, and some....well, you just had to be there for. I can't stop people from sharing answers, but everyone who gives away answers is lowering their chance at fame, fortune, and valuable gold prizes!
There are a total of 26 questions. They will get progressively harder as you go on, and each are worth a certain point value. Questions 1-10 are worth 1 point each. Questions 11-20 are worth 2 points each. Questions 21-25 are worth 3 points each, with the final question being worth a whopping 5 points. The highest possible score is 50.
1st place - 750 gold
2nd place - 350 gold
3rd place - 200 gold
4th place - 125 gold
5th place - 75 gold
1500 gold total, 1000 from the guild bank, and 500 from my own vast personal fortune.
Now, the most important rule: You MUST PM ME your answers. Do NOT post them here as it will ruin everything and probably irritate me to the point where I kick you out of the guild. When you PM me, please list your answers, 1-26....do not copy and paste the questions, etc. Just the answers.
I hope everyone takes the time to participate in this, as it's free to do so, there is no "buy in", and always nice to have a little fun and maybe learn a little something too.
The questions and rules can be found in the "Guild Discussion" forum.