BREAKING NEWS: Runetotem out of mobs for Oxn to tank.
Zangarmarsh - June 6th, 2008 - In an unprecedented move today, Blizzard announced that one of their US servers, Runetotem, was experiencing severe mob spawning issues. Blizzard's lead server technician, Mr. Peter Wingnut, confirmed the problem stating, "It appears that a certain subscriber on this server has been running down and tanking mobs faster than the server can actually create them. We at Blizzard spend a great deal of time trying to balance game dynamics and quite frankly we just weren't prepared to deal with a tanking character who pulls mobs with such amazing speed. It's like he's never heard of mana before." The server is expected to be down 24-36 hours while Blizzard attempts emergency maintenance.
While Mr. Wingnut did not divulge the identity of the person who caused this issue, rumors abound across trade chat that the culprit is indeed a member of the infamous guild <Bring Out Your Dead>. People have reported seeing groups of BOYD members numbering from as few as 4 to as many as 25 storming across the countryside, from the plains of Durotar to the rocky cliffs of Blade's Edge Mountains, always following a whirling cloud of steel and sweat. As these groups of BOYD members made their way through Azeroth, bystanders consistently report hearing cries of "Pulling!", "OMG mana!" and "Oh, shiny loot!"
Clearly, whoever leads this rampaging group is responsible for the Runetotem hardware failure so we did some investigating, trying to piece together some details of this warrior, so we might get an image of who or what could cause such devastation. As reports came in we pieced together an image, an image of a mighty tauren with muscles glistening with sweat, his biceps rippling with every bone crushing swing of his mighty sword. A warrior standing proudly among even the most intimidating groups of foes, effortlessly cutting them to pieces in a storm of steel and rain of blood. The bravest of men, chareging [sic] before his guildmates into battle against seemingly insurmountable odds, only to lead them to victory time and time again. Everyone agrees, he is the tank every man wants to be, and every woman wants to be with. He possesses a stern, commanding voice that could make a Wild Felstalker purr, and wears a suit of armor so fine he makes Warchief Thrall look like a hobo. We went to BOYD headquarters to seek out this warrior, this God of War himself.
It didn't take long to spot him. Matching the description perfectly was an imposing figure standing against a wall, sharpening his weapon, waiting for the next opportunity to spring into battle. With appropriate reverance we approached him and asked him his name.
"Josiah", was the answer.
We asked him how he managed to pull with such unbelievable speed. "Ha! I'm a lover, not a fighter so I think you have me confused with one of our other tanks, I think you're looking for Oxn. We keep him in this room over here with the padded walls. You can go in, but don't expect a lot of conversation. By the way, I'm a fighter too, so don't get any ideas." With that Josiah unlocked the door to where Oxn was and then went back to standing against the wall, looking impressive.
Behind the door was another tauren warrior, apparently named Oxn. He was a non stop blur of brown and gray, running from wall to wall spinning and swinging his sword. He refused an interview as his only response to any question asked was simply a loud, primal yell of "PULLING!". After some observation, we did notice that in the brief times he collapsed from sheer exhaustion he amused himself by fingerpainting yellow starts, purple diamonds and blue squares on the wall.
Other BOYD members we encountered did state that Oxn is the best puller they have ever seen in action. Speaking for the healers, a priest named Jerikoe sung Oxn's praises, "Thanks to Oxn, my ass hasn't touched the ground for the last 5 raids. Which is good because I was still having that awful rash problem." Rokoko, a guild shaman shared with us a screenshot he took of action clearing trash in Serpentshrine cavern, "Granted, this is with Windfury, but you get the idea. The man is unstoppable." Heura, a relatively new guild mage, seemed anxious at first to give her opinion but then suddenly fell asleep in mid sentence.
Oxn (center) spams Whirlwind while clearing to SSC.
With such a force of nature leading the way, can any raid boss stand in BOYD's way? Will BOYD casters ever be allowed to enjoy a savory manna biscuit ever again? Will Plaguefire ever have time to ninja loot another corpse while Oxn pulls? Will Bulltanks ever have to time to crowd another mobs' buttcrack? These are the burning questions we look to answer in the next BOYD news story.
Rising Prices Force BOYD to Reduce Travel Plans
BOYD HQ - May 27, 2008 - It seems these days that everyone is feeling the pinch of rising costs, and coupled with a server economy spiraling out of control, it came as no surprise recently when <Bring Out Your Dead> announced their intentions to cut back on travel plans. Guild leadership cited the skyrocketing price of [Goblin Rocket Fuel], which as of today is now selling for upwards of 130 gold pieces per barrel, as one of the main contributing factors to this decision. Due to the cutbacks on travel it now appears that after next week BOYD will no longer journey to Gruul's Lair and then back to Hellfire for Magtheridon in the same night.
"It just wasn't cost effective anymore," explained guild leader, Gravedancer. "Organizing 25 flights way out to Evergrove, and an hour later getting us all return trips all the way back to Hellfire? You can only do so much of that before it becomes a drain on the guild coffers and with current economic trends, we just decided that we as a guild needed to be a bit more fiscally responsible. That and Plaguefire drained us dry, constantly taking gold to pay for upgrades to his loot dice. Serpentshrine Cavern is much closer to Shattrath and having one destination instead of two should help keep costs down."
It should be noted that BOYD did seek out an alternative to removing Gruul and Magtheridon's Lairs from their travel plans. An anonymous source within BOYD did confirm that before arriving at this decision, the guild did look at the possibility of drilling in the Un'goro Crater, as a way to make themselves more self sufficient and end their dependence on fuel imported from mideast Tanaris. A survey team headed by Manshima was dispatched to Un'goro a few weeks ago to scout locations, but he has not been heard from since. Rumors abound that he was brutally attacked by a ninja Devilsaur. Unsubstantiated reports indicate Manshima was indeed killed by the dinosaur, who then looted the warrior's corpse, and took off with many full flasks.
BOYD guild members seemed generally supportive of this schedule change, though some did express a small bit of regret that they may never get some souvenirs from Gruul. One member, Xyria, expressed his belief that another survey team should be sent out, only this time, to the Swamp of Sorrows. So adamant is he about it that he repeatedly attempts to organize his own party at Stonard, despite being told it is not a good idea. Longtime member Bulltanks did confess that while he is "going to terribly miss piling on in the buttcrack", he did hold out some hope for SSC runs on Monday, as in his words, "That Tidewalker fellow sure has a mighty meaty posterior, I think a lot of us could squeeze in there."
Azerothian Animal Rights Group Targets BOYD.
BOYD HQ - May 21, 2008 - The last 36 hours were supposed to be filled with rest and relaxation for BOYD, as they recovered from their recent raid and began preparations for venturing into Zul'Aman. Unfortunately, this period has been anything but restful as it seems that the Zangarmarsh chapter of PETM (People for the Ethical Treatment of Murlocs) has been staging what can only be called a full fledged protest outside BOYD guild headquarters. We managed to weave our way through the picket lines and were able to get a few words with the protest leader, a Miss Fiona Finfondler who explained to us why PETM was there.
"Did you see what these brutes did this week? Did you see how they mounted a virtual aerial assault? Flying in from Hellfire and storming into Coilfang Resevoir, seriously. We know what was on their mind. More senseless murloc murder. This has been a pattern with these people since birth. It starts as a child in Eversong Woods and Tirisfal Glades, then in Hillsbrad and so on.....the people of the Horde must learn that murlocs have feelings too. They have just as much right to live as we do. They're not just annoying little aggro magnets, they're living things! And the persecution they face MUST END!" With that statement, Finfondler left to go rejoin her fellow protesters in a seemingly endless chant of "BOYD Must Pay! No Fish Fillets!'.
A local murloc in happier times.
Unsure exactly what events Miss Finfondler referenced we did receive a call from a Mr. Morogrim Tidewalker, a local resident of Serpent Shrine Cavern. Tidewalker explained that he hadn't seen all of the alleged incident, but was in the area. "I was just hanging out at my place, like every Monday night, when I heard some strange sounds outside, sounded like a disturbance but they're frequent here so I thought nothing of it. But then, the sounds got louder and louder...so I looked outside and sure enough, there was a gang of hoodlums, I'm not sure how many, probably a couple dozen or so. Littering the ground around them were piles of dead murlocs. Just then I noticed around me a few gangs of murlocs rushing to aid their fallen brethren, but it was to no avail as they too were slaughtered without mercy. Briefly I feared for my own life as I stood face to face with these people, not wanting to be killed, I tried to intimidate them by standing there, looking imposing. I even went so far as to thrust the giant steering wheel protruding from my crotchal region at them. I guess it worked, as they just turned around and left. I must admit, I've never liked Murlocs much, but this senseless killing was too much...makes me feel for the slipperly little bastards."
Meanwhile everything seemed to be business as usual inside of BOYD's headquarters as we stepped inside, looking for someone willing to talk to us, sharing the BOYD perspective on these events. While we found most guild members in the mess hall were too busy enjoying lunch, we did manage an interview with Zhi, a guild druid.
"Thank you for taking the time to speak with us, especially during lunch time, may I ask what you're having?"
"What do you think we're eating? Pass the tartar sauce, please."
"Hmm, I was wondering if you could tell me about the events of Monday night? You're aware that PETM is protesting, right?"
"Monday, monday...oh yeah, we killed a bunch of fat guys. We got done early, so we went out for fish. PETM? Why are they upset, aren't they the People for the Eating of Tasty Murlocs?"
"So it is true! Why would BOYD do such a thing?"
Between bites, Zhi answered, "Don't know, ask Senortoro." She looked around the room, then added "Actually I haven't seen him since, you know he may still be kiting that star around SSC, if you get a hold of him, tell him we all left, ok? Thanks....oh hey, throw me another lemon slice before you go."
It is rumored that BOYD plans to return to SSC later in the week. Is it to somehow make amends to the local murloc community? Or to continue the senseless killings? Only time will tell.
Editor's Note: Senortoro could not be reached for comment.
BOYD Focus On: Muenster, Friend or Foe?
Welcome to the first installment of BOYD “Focus On” articles, where we take an unbiased look at both sides of an issue currently affecting <Bring Out Your Dead> and present them to you, our loyal reader in a “Point!/Counterpoint!” style format. Today we shine the spotlight of truth on Muenster. Rumors abound that this mild mannered warrior has something other than BOYD’s best interests in mind. Are these rumors unfounded? Is Muenster truly doing all he can to help BOYD progress, using every skill and talent at his disposal for our good? Or is it true that he is nothing but an industrial spy sent by <Reforged> to infiltrate BOYD hierarchy, gain our trust, and use that trust to gain for himself shiny new loot only to use that shiny new loot to stab us in the back while he makes off with ultra sensitive BOYD raid strategies and guild secrets? Please gentle reader, examine the following arguments and then let us know what you think.
POINT! – Many of BOYD’s founding members have known Muenster for years. They’ve been guildmates in <Tormented Dreams>, <Grief> and <My Little Pwnies>. During all this time together, never once has Muenster been anything but helpful. He has even been so respected by his fellow guildies has been named officer on more than one occasion, what else does the man have to do to prove himself?
COUNTERPOINT! – Where are all these guilds now? Hmmm? That’s right, they are nowhere. Dead. Buried. But a footnote in Runtotem’s checkered history. Is it any coincidence that all these guilds have disbanded once Muenster was in them? I think not. These guilds have all failed, how can we at BOYD be sure that Muenster had not been plotting the seeds of dissension among the leadership behind the scenes all along? It’s simple, we can’t.
POINT! – Despite already being busy with a hectic raiding schedule in <Reforged>, Muenster was more than willing to help out BOYD in any way he could while we recruited and grew to the point we are at now. If we needed healing, he was there for us. If we needed more DPS, he brought Muenster instead, never complaining. Any raid we were short people on, we could count on Muenster to help out. He could have sold herbs on the auction house for his own good, but instead he donated them to our guild bank. Again, if these actions do not prove the man’s intentions, it is hard to imagine what will.
COUNTERPOINT! – While it may be true that Muenster does indeed join any raid we ask him to, in whatever capacity he is needed, we cannot…dare I say, we must not turn a blind eye to the fact that he leaves an hour early to join <Reforged>. So, where in fact do his loyalties lie? Obviously, the last hour of a raid is when the most difficult bosses are faced, when the most dangerous encounters are….encountered, and it is then that he turns his back on us! Why? I’ll tell you why. It’s because <Reforged> is scared. They have been the top horde guild for so long, and now they see BOYD tearing up the progression charts, burning through new content like Sherman through Georgia and they know it’s only a matter of time before they slip to #2. Clearly they have stooped to forcing Muenster (and his partner in treachery, Shahraz) to abandon us during raids, just when we need them the most.
POINT! – Just last week Muenster took it upon himself to quit <Reforged> and become a full fledged member of BOYD. This obviously shows a commitment on his part to the guild and his new guildies. How can we possibly doubt this man’s intentions? He is an amazing healer, does good melee DPS, is always helpful with raid strategy discussion and shares loads of valuable information with everyone via the guild forums. Him joining the leadership of BOYD as an officer will surely bring that voice of experience and game knowledge which will surely help us progress even faster.
COUNTERPOINT! – Yes, he joined us. That’s a fact. It is also a fact that he was the cause of a wipe on Hydross the Unstable. While the rest of us were busy getting to the correct side of the flags, this “raid veteran” was hanging out on the wrong side! Sure, he’ll tell you that some measly little warrior DoT pulled agro, but how can we be sure he didn’t just taunt Hydross? None of heard him taunt Hydross, but that’s because we were all out of voice range, being on the correct side of the flag and all! Was this truly an innocent mistake? Or were people from <Reforged> sending him tells, encouraging him to try and stall our progression, just so they could maintain their slim advantage over BOYD? Yes, Muenster looks like a great guild addition but just remember the Trojans also thought “Oh, what a pretty horse.”
There you have it. Now it’s your turn to cast your vote on Muenster. Given the evidence and opinions presented in this article, it’s time to ask yourself a simple question, “Muenster, Friend or Foe”?
Cast your vote here: http://www.boyd-rt.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=449
BOYD raises Karazhan Threat Level to "Severe"
Shattrath City – May 1, 2008 – The conflict between BOYD and Karazhan forces now continues into its 5th week with no signs of a peaceful resolution in sight. Last night’s assault on the Karazhan Compound marked the most vicious attack yet in this ongoing struggle, prompting both sides to hold press conferences this morning to address the current state of affairs. The BOYD Guild Master, Gravedancer was scheduled to take the podium at 9:00 am, he of course showed up approximately 10 minutes late. As the crowd hushed in anticipation of a rousing victory declaration, Gravedancer simply uttered, “We did really good.” Pressed for details, he eventually added, “Everything’s dead, good job…uh, that’s all I got. “ We did manage to arrange an exclusive interview with Gravedancer where he answered a few questions.
“Grave, can you tell us what exactly enabled BOYD to clear ALL of Karazhan in just one night?”
“Oxn pulls like a cow possessed….and we got lots of badge gear.”
“Mr. Dancer, do you have an exit strategy for this war with Karazhan?”
“Yes, our strategy is to go in, get all the loot, and then exit.”
“Is there any truth to the rumor that BOYD Guildland Security is raising the threat level in the aftermath of last night’s attack?”
“Can you share the details with us?”
“So are you going to share them?
After this exchange, he proceeded to give us an advance copy of the following handout, which will be distributed at the next BOYD guild meeting.
Not to be outdone by such grand declarations of victory, the Karazhan Information Minister, Deadwind Dan appeared before an assembled crowd of Phantom Valets, Skeletal Waiters, Arcane Guardians and assorted Shades and Succubi. Upon reaching the podium, he put on his [Rose Colored Goggles] and read the following statement;
“Friends, I know you have all heard of the outlandish claims made by the terrorist organization BOYD. I come to reassure you that these claims are NOT true! It is absolutely impossible for anyone to penetrate our defenses. Do not believe what you hear from this so called “Grave dancer”. He claims his forces crushed us, but yet have you seen what he claims his forces consist of? Some cows that walk upright? A walking tree? A prancing paladin? Well okay, that last one may be true, but otherwise can you believe any of it? No, of course not. Just more lies from BOYD filth. I swear to you, my good people of Karazhan, that BOYD was not within 50 clicks of Karazhan last night. Everything inside Karazhan is fine. Hyakiss the Lurker has been moved to an undisclosed, secure location, as added reassurance. Thank you.”
With these two conflicting stories, we decided to find out, which one do the people believe? First off, we asked a stout looking fellow named Manshima, safely covered in plate mail armor for his thoughts. “I stand behind BOYD’s version of things, I was there, and let me just say this, it was obvi…..” Suddenly, in mid sentence he just dropped dead so we went out in search of other opinions. We came across a hunter named Soundwave and asked for his thoughts. Unfortunately, we couldn’t get an answer from him as he kept pointing to his ear and shouting, “What was that? I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am!” We tried to ask Oxn for his thoughts, but we could not keep up with him as he was running everywhere, pulling anything he possibly could. We did manage to hear from one more BOYD member, a hunter named Oreyn who stressed to us, “BOYD is made from 100% all awesome ingredients.”
That’s it for now. Look for next week’s article as we go in search of new and creative ways to insert 25 people into the butt crack of a Lair Brute.